The 4 best new features in iOS 5

1. Steveify: Take a picture of yourself with an iPad’s forward facing camera and it seamlessly grafts your head onto an attractive gender appropriate body wearing trendy jeans and a black turtleneck.

2. iGlucose: Whack your forehead with your phone just enough to draw blood, and your blood sugar levels are measures and published on social networks (and to insurance databases without you knowing).

3. iDiaper: Much like the Nike exercise apps and shoes were all the rage last year, this app makes life easy for new parents. Just slip the iDiaper monitor on your baby’s bum and when he needs a changing, you get a new iMessage notification.

4. iLoud: iCloud lets you access your files and media from anywhere an on any device. But what about other people who really should be privy to your stuff, whether they want to be or not? Wasn’t it annoying that when you had a phone conversation on a bus only 1/2 the passengers can hear you? And that your text and iMessage messages were only accessible to that voice in your head? No more.

iLoud ensures that your end of a phone call, the remote end of phone call, and any text or iMessages are sent to any and all devices within a 50 foot range. Current device compatibility includes android phones, blackberries, any magnetic speaker, most makes of hearing aids, anyone wearing a headset, directly into the heads of people with an O+ blood type, and a projection of an ASL signer translating onto any surface nearby up to 50″ in diameter.